I'm Sorry Annie Leibovitz
A story about an eighteen year old boy and a tragic gifting situation
Dear Annie,
I am sorry that I confused you with Anne Lamont yesterday. I don’t know if and when you will read this, but I hope you do. In my post yesterday, I was trying to demonstrate how to write a Shitty First Draft and, in my brain, I resolved to just type, to not edit anything.
I wanted to properly cite Bird by Bird, the book from which Shitty First Draft originates. But I swore to myself, as I wrote my Shitty First Draft, as I always write my Shitty First Drafts, that I would just type. No research, no googling, nothing like that to distract me.
And so your name popped in my head.
I’ll be honest, I kind of knew immediately that you were not the author of Bird by Bird. But I kept plowing forward because I thought it was kind of funny to refer to you as the author of Bird by Bird.
What most people don’t know about you and me, Annie, is that we have a history.
A history.
(I repeated “A history” so that anyone reading this would get anxious to move on to the story. I’m currently reading a book of short stories by Shirley Jackson (I can’t wait to get to the Lottery!) and she does short word and sentence structure for dramatic effect. I think that is where “A history.” came from.)
Anyways, Annie, I once bought one of your adorable baby books. You don’t know me, but if you did, you would be like “Vlad, are you serious? Why are you buying a baby photo book? That’s for fifty-year old woman that love to see babies in a cornucopia.”
And yes, Annie, I know that you did not take the photo of the baby in a pumpkin that I inserted in this letter, but, let’s be real: that’s some shit you can dig. Am I right? I assume any combo of baby + fruit OR veggie = Annie Love. I can see you nodding while you sip your Earl Gray tea.
So here is the story of why I bought your book of adorable baby photos.
I was nineteen years old.
Also you should know I have a weird sense of humor and taste. Sometimes it really helps me. I can see trends right before they blow up (green buildings, NFTs, Twitter are a few examples). But when my sense of “style” gets applied to everyday life, things can get weird.
I was nineteen years old and I had a steady girlfriend for the first time in my life. And I needed to get her a Christmas present. So I went to Barnes and Noble because I loved books and she loved books so a book made sense.
But as I perused the shelves, somehow I ended up in the photography section. And I noticed a giant book with your name on it. I can almost guarantee that as a nineteen year old, I had never heard of Annie Leibovitz.
I want to pause for a second and commend you. It seems like it is extremely difficult for a photographer to go mainstream. Because everyone can take a photo. It must be very hard to convince a large swath of America to think “damn, that’s some good photos.” But you did it. As I sit here, I am not sure I can come up with a more commercially successful photographer than you. And you did it with the formula (Babies + (Fruit OR Veggie)). Genius.
I have no idea what my thought process was but yes, I decided, as a nineteen year old boy to buy an Annie Leibovitz compendium of baby photos for my girlfriend.
So many problems with that statement.
First, and most obviously, giving a book of baby photos to a newly-acquired girlfriend at the age of nineteen — I’m sure that can be misinterpreted very easily. A book full of baby photos could possibly come across as a big hint about wanting to have babies. For the record, I did not want to have a baby.
Second, I was not dating a fifty-year old woman. Why didn’t I just buy perfume or a necklace or something?
Third, what exactly did that girlfriend do with the Annie Leibovitz giant photo collection book? Did she look through it and giggle or croon at the adorable baby photos? Did she think to herself, WTF is this? (p.s. we didn’t have WTF back then).
Fourth, what do you think her parents thought about the appearance of a giant book of baby photos? And how did she explain that to her parents?
At this point, Annie, I have gotten very uncomfortable trying to get into the head of nineteen year old me and I want to stop. When I get uncomfortable, I start sweating and I am now sweating as I type this.
So, thank you Annie. Thank you for accepting the erroneous citation to Bird by Bird with grace and dignity. Thank you for your photos of babies and fruit and veggies. Seriously, genius stuff. Thank you for not suing me. Thank you for creating the book that became my first substantial gift.
Thank you Annie.
Love,
Vlad
p.s. I just googled your name to see if you are still alive. You are in fact alive. But I just realized something — you have taken more than just baby + fruit OR veggie photos! In fact, you are responsible for the iconic John Lennon / Yoko Ono photo.
I should go now.
Thanks Vlad. Appreciate your candor regarding your lack of proofing but how old were you when you gifted this book? 18 or 19? My countrymen want to know.